Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Prohibition Party

Presidential Candidate: Gene C. Amondson
Vice-Presidential Candidate: Leroy J. Pletten
Party Founded: 1869
Mascot: Camel

"They are who we thought they were!" The Arizona football Cardinals former head coach Dennis "Denny" Green said this once at a press conference after losing to the Chicago Bears. While the game has changed, the story's the same. The Prohibition Party stands for the same things today it did over 130 years ago, and the number one thing they want to do is take your booze. That's right, these moral legislatures would like to prevent you from drinking the fruit of the vine, the bounty of the backwoods distillery and the foment of your local ferment.

While you're busy not drinking, you should also stay not busy by not using "tobacco products, illegal drugs, pornography, and commercialized vice." They're also not too hot on gambling. Hmmm....

When Gene isn't busy damning us all for partaking in the fun vices, you might find him painting landscapes or carving wood. He keeps these horribly boring hobbies because he's not allowed to have fun. He's also a minister.

On the positive side, Gene is old enough - and qualified in the sense of being a natural born citizen - to be President, and so is his running mate. This immediately places him above at least two other tickets mentioned so far in this series.

The Prohibitionists don't have much of a plan for the rest of America. National security, domestic and international policy, the economy, the environment, crime, Medicare and the concept of a "balanced budget" will all be addressed after taking care of their primary concern, namely getting you to stop having fun. Goodbye Las Vegas, goodbye quaaludes, and goodbye weekend.

Gene is 65, but looks older and more boring.

Prohibition Party Homepage
Gene's MySpace Page
Temperance and Prohibition Trivia

1 comment:

Bryce said...

Amondson looks like Cheney if Cheney got hit in the face with a sack of hot nickles